Life – Terror. Ecstasy. Fight. Denial. Flight. Failure. PAIN. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Hope. Love. Peace – Death
Your walking down the road on the way to the match and bang, out of the blue a massive heart attack and your gone? There is a lot to be said, for “going” in that way? Instant, no time to think, no time to worry? To question? To prepare?
Ten years ago I was told I had a terminal condition. I am going to die. Every year we pass the anniversary of our own death, we are ALL going to die, nothing is more certain than death. I will die sooner rather than later? Hopefully, I will have long enough to do (more) shit. Enough time to mend past wrongs….time for redemption? Time to live and love a bit more & time to prepare for death.
Last month I was told, “I am am not expected to survive longer than another 12 months”. All of a sudden there were things I had been putting off (ignoring) that have to be done. some trivial but, also, some important things.
If you have an opportunity to prepare for your own death, you should do so? There is so much that can be done, for your own peace of mind and for those left behind. Financial arrangements, property, possessions. At a very base level, clearing the man cave and man draws/cupboards?
By far the hardest tasks for me so far are those concerning my ‘heart’ and ‘legacy’. Quite literally, the dismantling of your life is not just a practical checklist. It’s an emotional journey of regrets, goodbyes, trying to find closures.
- Spending time with your favourite people, telling them how much you love them.
- Repairing broken relationships.
- Maintaining (future proofing) memories, legacies? – Writing letters, making videos and or recordings (your voice)? My mum died when I was 13. I cannot remember her voice.
- Recording audio/video stories for grandchildren and or friends?
- Allowing yourself to feel sadness, fear, anger, and or peace. Allowing yourself to grieve your own, imminent, death?
Preparing for death and dismantling a life is a deeply profound, difficult and practical process of sorting through your physical belongings, legal ties, and emotional relationships so that you can leave this world in peace with control. Every emotion you have is valid. Truth is you feel very differently about life (and death) when you are told you are going to die. You feel differently about EVERYTHING.
Preparing for death, responsibly, takes courage. Selfishly? It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to contemplate. However, there is an, inevitable, responsibility to do the right thing(s)? For those left behind? The more you can do, allows them to grieve without the chaos of unresolved tasks and will reduce their self doubt that they are doing what you would have wanted? Looking at your existence and brutally unwinding it is overwhelming but, also freeing. Breaking this task into small, manageable, pieces makes it easier to navigate.
10 years ago my death seemed a long way away. Suddenly, it is not. I am feeling a great sense of loss around my physical (and mental) decline, bringing with it, loss of independence and elevating changes in roles for myself, friends, family even society.
Practical concerns, for example, how ill cope at home as I become weaker, and where will I be cared for when it’s no longer possible to remain at home, do I want to remain at home? To die at home? Currently, even such simple tasks seem out of my control.
Loss of control
It is widely suggested that preparing for death can bring a sense of peace, peace by process, measured, control? Everyone dies? Practical steps like making a will, appointing a power of attorney when you are ‘still’ well enough may, hopefully, help to build peace of mind? But, who wants to think about, never mind talk about, death whilst we are not dying?
Speaking to those close to you about what matters to you, what your wishes would be if you became unwell might help too. However, those type of emotionally charged conversations are difficult? Managing your own death is extremely overwhelming, almost like an admission/acceptance of your situation, every time you ‘do’ something practical, you die that little bit more and over and over again?
Things (life) happening beyond your control only exasperate your deep feelings of being cancelled. Others, those, often, involuntarily, involved with dismantling your life, changing your routines, altering your surroundings inadvertently contribute to feelings of your life being consciously & deliberately erased. As though everything you are familiar with everything you have ever represented stands for shit anymore.
What matters in life?
If dying has taught me anything, it’s to make every day count, and not to take anything or anybody for granted.
Life is short!
Thanks for Reading
#Peace
