Dismantling Your life

Life – Terror. Ecstasy. Fight. Denial. Flight. Failure. PAIN. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Hope. Love. Peace – Death

Your walking down the road on the way to the match and bang, out of the blue! A massive heart attack, your gone! Nothing for you to do? So much for everybody else? I have to say, there is a lot to be said, for “going” in that way? Instant, no time to think, no time to worry? To question? To prepare.

Ten years ago I was told I had a terminal condition. I am going to die. We are ALL going to die it’s just more certain for me. Uncertainty? Hopefully, I will have long enough to do shit. Time to mend past wrongs…time for redemption? Time to prepare to die.

Last month I was told, “I am not expected to survive longer than 12 months”.

All of a sudden there were things I had been putting off (ignoring) that I have to do.

Life is uncertain, every year we pass the anniversary of our own death? However, If you have an opportunity to prepare for death, we should do so? There is so much you could accomplish, for yourself, your own personal peace and for those left behind; financial arrangements, property, possessions, (clearing the man cave and man draws/cupboards)? By far the hardest tasks for me are those concerning my ‘heart’ and ‘legacy’.

Quite literally, the dismantling of your life is not just a practical checklist.

It is an emotional journey of goodbyes and trying to find closures.

• Spending time with your favourite people, telling them how much you love them.
• Repairing broken relationships.
• Maintaining (future proofing) memories, legacies? – Writing letters, making videos and or recordings (your voice)? My mum died when I was 13. I cannot remember her voice.
• Recording audio/video stories for grandchildren and or friends?
• Allowing yourself to feel sadness, fear, anger, and or peace. Allowing yourself to grieve your own death? Every emotion you have is valid.

Preparing for death and dismantling a life is a deeply profound, difficult and practical process of sorting through your physical belongings, legal ties, and emotional relationships so that you can leave this world with peace and control. You feel very differently about life when you know you are going to die. You feel differently about EVERYTHING when you know you are going to die.

Preparing for death, responsibly, takes bravery. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to contemplate. However, there is an, inevitable, responsibility to do the right thing(s)? For those left behind? The more you can do, allows them to grieve without the chaos of unresolved tasks and will reduce their self doubt that they are doing what you would have wanted? Looking at your existence and brutally unwinding it is overwhelming but, also freeing. Breaking this task into small, manageable, pieces makes it easier to navigate.

10 years ago my death seemed a long way away. Now it is not. Coupled with, I am feeling a great sense of loss around my physical decline, bringing with it loss of independence and elevating changes in roles in friends, family even society.

Some, more practical concerns, for example, how ill cope at home as I become weaker, and where will I be cared for when it’s no longer possible to remain at home, do I even want to be at home? Currently, seem out of my control.

Loss of control

It is widely suggested that preparing for death can bring a sense of peace, peace by process, measured, control? Everyone will die one day, practical steps like making a will, appointing a power of attorney when you are ‘still’ well enough may, hopefully, help to build peace of mind?

Speaking to those close to you about what matters to you, what your wishes would be if you became unwell might help too. However, those type of emotionally charged conversations are difficult? Managing your own death is extremely overwhelming, almost like an admission/acceptance of your situation, every time you ‘do’ something?

Things (life) happening beyond your control only exasperate your feelings of being cancelled. Others, involved with dismantling your life, changing your routines, altering your surroundings feels like your life is being consciously & deliberately erased. As though everything you are familiar with everything you have ever represented stands for shit.

What matters in life?

If dying has taught me anything, it’s to make every day count, and not to take anything or anybody for granted.

Life is short!

Thanks for Reading

#Peace