Life– Terror. Ecstasy. Fight. Denial. Flight. Failure. PAIN. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Hope. Love. Peace – Death

I woke up.

Nothing unusual, my night-time pain meds had worn off and I needed to pee.

It was still dark outside. I knew it was early, too early to get up, I’m guessing 6.00am ish? I am good at guestimating the time, always have been, it’s my super power. Too early to wake up? The trick is, to get to, and back from, the bathroom as quickly but also, as gingerly, as possible, without becoming too awake? Just awake enough to piss cleanly, take some pain killers, back into bed, roll over and sleep.

The trouble is if you start thinking about shit then it’s game over. No getting back to sleep.

A long but uneventful piss that included an, amusing, rather long loud fart. Back into bed, mission accomplished, then… “John”? I heard my name, clear as a bell. Not a familiar voice? I sat up, bolt upright, awake. I could barely make out the bedroom door, but it was closed tight, it wasn’t my sister Carol, (sleeping in the adjacent room). I glanced to my left, Gail, was fast, snoring mildly next to me, not her either.

I lay back down and tried to rationalise. I had imagined the “John”? Good? But, there was no way I was sleeping again tonight (today). I did try but I had already started to think about shit. Game over. I have plenty to think about.

I got up without taking my mourning meds {currently 17 tablets} so as not to disturb Gail, still fast asleep still snoring mildly. I had decided I would go down stairs, put the heating on, (for Carol), get myself a coffee, take some pain relief then write a blog post. Without being over dramatic, potentially my last? The big, living room clock said it was 6.35am….. I’ve still got it!

Coffee and blog time. Then I thought, what if it is not your last?

Then, you will look like a drama queen dick with a time telling super power?

Then I got to thinking, do I want it to be my last?

To be brutally honest [with myself] I wasn’t sure?

The thought of just going to sleep, for one last time, and not waking up again is way too appealing? But? The thought of never ever seeing that amazing smile, his irresistible laugh, those crazy songs, that effervescent energy, that complete optimism, wonder and sheer joy, of my beautiful little grandson Fenn is more appealing.

Just in case….

What do you say to everyone, if its the last chance you have?

“If you’ve got no kind words to say you should say nothing more at all”

Good luck Everyone.

#peace

I can’t Sleep – The La’s

Man With a Child on His Eyes – Kate Bush

Last Goodbye – Jeff Buckley

In My Life – The Beatles

Fake Plastic Trees – Radio Head

No Kind Words – The Maccabees