Life – Terror. Ecstasy. Fight. Denial. Flight. Failure. PAIN. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Hope. Love. Peace – Death.
I cannot remember a time in my life without pain
I have tried to put a (time) date on a time without pain but I cannot.
For as long as I can remember I cannot recall not being in pain?
Clearly, this is incorrect as I can remember a time prior to (most) of my illnesses. However, it feels like I ‘all of a sudden’ became defective, almost like a switch had been flipped and I was fucked ….like I woke up fucked?
If I had to put a time on it?
10 years ago. I cannot recall not being in pain for (at least) the past 10 years.
It has become part of my identity, who I am. A constant companion.
Some days are worse than others. Some times are worse than others.
It is worse at night and when I first awake.
There are levels of pain.
Luckily, I am, not often, doubled over in agony, that level of pain, however, there have been moments. Most of the time, it is more like constant weariness, nagging, irritating, keep you awake, disturb your sleep discomfort, pain. Nevertheless, it is real and it is constant. Without respite.
I have never sort any professional ‘pain’ advice? Why not, you ask?
Honestly? I cannot stand the thought of yet another clinic, another consultant, another specialist added to my impressive, medical CV. Fuck me it takes me long enough as it is filling in forms for holiday insurance.
I do miss ‘my life’ without pain. I actually dream of my life before it. To feel ‘normal’ (again).
I manage it.
I deal with it.
I know that I am not alone but that doesn’t help (much)
I know it could be (will be) worse.
I live with it.
Thanks for reading.