A Mixed Bag

Life – Terror. Ecstasy. Fight. Denial. Flight. Failure. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Hope. Love. Peace – Death.


I have just got off the phone with one of my (cancer) consultants, Radiologist (oncology) Dr Eswar. A nice, laid-back chap. I like him. He gave me my (latest) results from CT and MRI scans performed only last week.

I had been experiencing the familiar, (usual) anxious feelings associated with the building up to receiving such news.

As obvious as this sounds, I’m more used to it now than I used to be. This does not make it (much) easier only more familiar. I know some ‘cancer friends‘ who have never become less troubled by this.

I did not sleep well last night.

No matter how many times this occurs (receiving scan results) it always takes me back to the very first time, the terror of finding out I have incurable cancer.

On this occasion the wait was only one single week. An unusually quick turnaround. Not a typical ‘test -results’ cycle. I had been eagerly? (anxiously) awaiting news as this would decide whether I was (potentially) eligible for a Geno (cancer vaccine) Trial that Dr Eswar had identified (researched) on my request.

Good news – bad news?

The scans did not reveal any ‘significant’ additional spread. Good news.

Bad news. I am not eligible for the Trail. I am not ill enough!

My cancer has spread, increased PSA confirmed this. However, it is not ‘significant enough’ to show on standard CT scanning equipment. A more accurate scan, a PSMA – PET Scan would reveal exactly where my microscopic particles of cancer has spread. However, PSMA – PET scans are difficult to obtain in the UK, especially so in the North West. However, I suspect that the amount of cancer a PSMA scan would detect would still not be significant enough to satisfy the criteria (eligibility) for the Geno Trial.

A Mixed bag

My cancer ‘has not spread significantly

Yet, weirdly? I am disappointed.

I really wanted THAT Trial!


How can I be disappointed that my spread had not significantly advanced?


This Trial, ‘Geno therapy’ offers a (potential) vaccine, a potential cure.

Currently, there are no cure options for advanced prostate cancer, only palliative (delaying), options.

Focus on the now.

My cancer has not spread significantly.

Thanks for reading.


Published by Riff

Husband to my inspirational, (long suffering,) wife Gail, father to two, amazing (adult) children, Aubrey & Perri, teacher, former guitarist. When I started this blog I quickly became granda(r) to my beautiful, first grandson Henderson. Grandparenting, something I was relishing but had began to believe I would not get to experience. I now have three incredible grandsons, Henderson, Fennec and just days ago Nate. I Love people. I love my family, my incredible friends, I have love(d) what I do (my Job), I love Music, Glastonbury Festival, Cars, Everton .... I love many things but, most of all, I fucking love life.

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