Death In My Life

Life – Terror. Ecstasy. Fight. Denial. Flight. Failure. PAIN. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Hope. Love. Peace – Death.

A word in bold signifies the theme or topic for the latest blog.

The themes (words) are in no particular order or priority other than they start with life and end with death.

PAIN, in capitals, has a special place in the heart of my story. Pain has become an uninvited, life companion.

I have read so many heartbreaking blogs, posts and testimonies from people who are dying from cancer. Some are very young, too young, with only weeks to live. It is extremely distressing but also a wakeup call …., shit is shit but some shit is worse, much worse than your shit? Especially so, with young people who are struggling to come to terms with their impending death.


Age 15, 19, 25…40? Imagine finding out you have cancer and you are going to die? There is no great age to find out, of course not? I can see how even more difficult it might be if you hadn’t lived? If you had your whole life ahead of you, hadn’t had a chance to live?

Since finding out I have incurable cancer I have been trying to work ‘my shit’ out.

We are all different, with our own feelings, beliefs, thoughts and attitudes in relation to life and death. One of the main reasons I began my blog, my life and cancer journal is to help me work me out….whilst I still can.

The most difficult thing?

Is not to constantly think about dying.

I am not scared of dying, I am terrified of not being here anymore, of not being alive. The ultimate realisation that I will not exist anymore terrifies me.

Discovery. Ecstasy. That unique rush. ‘I am going to die’.

Realisation. ‘I am going to die’?

Afterwards. ‘I am going to die’ became my life.

It’s like the worse, ever, toothache, constant, always lurking and often at the forefront of your mind, that never goes away? Thru time you teach it to hide but it can, and does (still) creep up on you, usually when you least expect it.

Cruelly, when you are enjoying yourself, simple everyday life moments that have suddenly become more important to you? ‘The simplest of things we tend to take for granted, we become complacent of, family, friends, good company, laughing, loving….. and then out of nowhere, yeah this is all very nice but don’t forget …. ‘you are going to fucking die’!

The end goal.

Is to reach a point where I can fully enjoy the time I have left without letting the thoughts of what I wont have, can’t have, interfere or interrupt that? To not allow death ruin the life I have left.

Dr Lee (Andy) – “Mr Reynolds, there are things you can change (in life) and there are things you cannot. No point wasting time on the things you can’t”?

My blog banner ‘headings’ signify areas of my life (and death) I am trying to come to terms with. It is all very much a work in progress. Tic-toc.  

  1. At least try, to forgive yourself…..
  2. Guilt, guilty feelings are normal….
  3. This one might surprise some, forgive Your Loved Ones….
  4. Don’t forgive everybody, ‘some’ are beyond forgiveness, (the Tory’s, never trust a Tory)
  5. Keep a Notebook. … (a diary?)
  6. At least consider, writing a Journal. … (a blog?), when you are gone you cannot write fuck all …..ever again.
  7. Find something, something new…. apparently exploration of expressive arts can help? Forms of expression (beyond journaling) that can aid in processing emotions. …
  8. Process your Emotions …. good luck with this one!
  9. Talk about Practical Matters. …don’t stay silent, try not to avoid the ‘death’, ‘when i’m gone’ conversations, find a way to talk about important things without making yourself (or loved ones) feel ‘too’ uncomfortable? Get that Elephant into and then out of the room as soon as you can
  10. Ask Questions….especially of nurses, doctors, consultants …these people can help you, but even more especially ask questions of loved ones, those who care for you? Help them to care for you, they are feeling this to, some more than you?

Thanks for reading


Published by Riff

Husband to my inspirational, (long suffering,) wife Gail, father to two, amazing (adult) children, Aubrey & Perri, teacher, former guitarist. When I started this blog I quickly became granda(r) to my beautiful, first grandson Henderson. Grandparenting, something I was relishing but had began to believe I would not get to experience. I now have three incredible grandsons, Henderson, Fennec and just days ago Nate. I Love people. I love my family, my incredible friends, I have love(d) what I do (my Job), I love Music, Glastonbury Festival, Cars, Everton .... I love many things but, most of all, I fucking love life.

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